Battle of the Bloggers: Me vs. Hank Greener!

Well I am officially at my wits end with Hank Greener. As most of you know he is the author of that uber-popular, sugary, upbeat, nauseating 'The Grass Is Greener...' blog. Once again this 4-time award winner for Most Inspiring Blog at the Bloggie's has unleashed a vicious, nearly-unprovoked attack on me! Let's take a look at his entry from yesterday:

"Top O' the morning to you all! It's another beautiful day here in the blogosphere where the grass is always greener....with Hank Greener!

As you all know I am a get a little miffed with some of all the negativity and name-calling that happens on too many blogs these days. Well I say pooh-pooh to all that! I think people using the anonymity of the internet to attack each other is just plain wrong. Why not use the internet to post your inspiring poetry, talk about your dreams or share alternative, organic, vegan recipes like I do?

There are lots of examples of what I like to call grumpy-gus blogs. They write about all kinds of political, social and cultural issues but they have one thing in common: they are all grumpy! Now I know I am being a little mean but I just think we should discuss the things that bring us together and not the things that divide us! In the spirit of this I wrote a short 1800 word poem about something that brings us all together: organic, vegetarian bran and soy cookie flavoured snackables!

[Note: I edited out Greener's stupid-gay poem, RL]

Wow, just reading that makes me hungry and inspired. The amazing thing is that poem actually came to me in a dream last night! Anyways getting back to the issue at hand I think it is time we take a stand against all these negative nelly's and tell them to turn those cyber frowns =( upside down =).

First on my list of these boo-hoo bloggers is none other than Richard Light. I know many of you have never heard of him but he has won Most Xenophobic Blog at the last 4 Bloggie Awards. Well it seems this Mr. Light does not live up to his seemingly friendly name. In fact last week he attacked yours truly. Here's what he said:

"Is anyone else sick of this Hank Greener a-hole yet? Or is it just me? I saw him on Oprah last week and I have to be honest: I hope he chokes to death on a lentil based stir fry. Just because he averages 10,000 hits a day and my fan base is mainly made up of a small group of family, friends, incarcerated violent offenders, fringe messianic cults and anti-government militias he thinks he's soooo much better than me. And if I have to read one more of his poems about vegan alternatives to cheese I am going to cut the break line on his fucking prius.

Look you know I hate to spread hateful propaganda but an anonymous source has told me he devours helpless woodland creatures because he believes it gives him superhuman strength. Where's his poem about that? Everyone calls him inspiring but I think he's just another namby-pamby do-gooder who is trying to make an honest blogger like me look bad for anonymously attacking ethnic, religious, and cultural groups that I do not like... and women and gays. Also children and the elderly. I hate most animals too. I generally fear the world outside of my closed off existence and respond to it with ignorant hatred. So Hank Greener is better than me cause he doesn't automatically fear and hate what he does not know or understand? Well I got some advice for Hank Greener: you better shut up and stay where the grass is greener or your next bbq tofu treat will be your last!"

First off I would like to respond by saying I have never eaten any defenseless creatures and am actually a member of numerous organizations protecting woodland creature habitats. Second, I have never mentioned let alone attacked Mr. Light in any way. Third, I have been weeping and living in fear since I read this not so veiled death threat. But as you know one of the mottos I live by is "Hug them with kindness" (I used to say "Kill them with kindness" but that sounds too violent). So even though Mr. Light is wishing my death and possibly planning to do something about it, I am going to keep sending the happy feelings his way. So in honour of this I ask all you out there to help me with my "cyber-hug" campaign. I want all of you to send a quick "cyber-hug" to Mr. Light with a brief message of love and encouragement. Here are some good examples:

Cheer up, you've got a friend in me!

Don't be so glum, chum. Love me!

Please don't kill Hank!

Please tell whoever is following Hank in the black SUV with tinted windows to stop trying to run him off the road!

You get the idea. Well that's all from me today. I am going to spend some time with some friends in an undisclosed location for an undisclosed amount of time so you might not hear from me for a while.

LOVE Hank."


After reading Hank's motto "Hug them with kindness" it reminded me of a motto my good, blindly loyal friend Jake "Da Killa" Lomonta lives by, "Kill them with weapons." I am not saying anything. Just repeating a friends motto is all. A motto I know first hand, after spending a blood curdling evening with Jake that still gives me nightmares, that he lives by.

In response to Hank's cyber campaign I have decided to start one of my own. I am going to target him for a "cyber-I-know-where-you-live" campaign. All you guys have to do is send a message saying "I know where you live." Nothing illegal there. Just letting him know we know where he lives is all.

I guess that's it for today. Now I am going to retreat back in to the shadows and bide my time. Waiting, patiently. Always there but never there. Just around the corner, just out of sight. You will feel my presence but not see me. In each darkened alley, behind every door you will be gripped with the fear that I may be lurking. Then one day I will strike. Too quick for you to even notice...Hank

Love Richard


Additional Note: A drunken Mr. Light was arrested outside of Hank Greener's home last night after he was discovered going through Greener's garbage and yelling incoherently. At the sight of a sobbing, shirtless and disheveled Mr. Light, Mr. Greener opted not to press charges and police left Mr. Light in his care for the evening. Mr. Greener has also agreed to pay for Mr. Light's medical bills and provided the obviously malnourished blogger with 2 weeks of delicious vegan food. Mr. Light is known to police for similar incidents involving ex-girlfriends, co-workers and neighbours. Police describe him as a mild nuisance with no known affiliation with Jake Lomonta. Reuters